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Thursday, October 12, 2017

The Whole World is Watching...

    The first time I was called a faggot I was around five years old. It was an older boy who opened my eyes to what others already knew about before I could point out what was 'wrong' with me. It took me a few years to come out to friends in Mexico; then, I moved to the U.S. and the story repeats itself. I have to come out over and over and over... and sometimes I think the coming out NEVER ENDS! Half the time (if not every time) I meet someone, I am assumed to be heterosexual. That's ok. That's how we were wired. Unless you're a flaming Queen, no one would ever imagine! But anyway, I am in a safe place to live my truth. I wish for everyone to be happy and find the person that makes them even more happy and share their lives together. I have found my better half and, luckily, we have spent six years together, the last year as a married couple. I cannot explain how proud and privileged I feel for being able to celebrate this.

October 12th, 1998

     Yesterday was National Coming Out Day.
      Today is the nineteenth anniversary of the death of Matthew Shepard.  One year away from two decades since he was left almost for dead that cold night of October. For our Family from way before Matthew and for many more, we need to speak up for those voiceless. I recently posted a Facebook status asking my friends for their opinion on whether a post-op trans woman should disclose this to every man she dates. The response from heterosexual white cis gender males was predictable: YES! I understand that honesty is a no-brainer, but I don't think it should be disclosed right away. Even I don't feel safe sometimes. Look at Matthew's story! Anyway, I took down the status because there was a guy that simply did not grasp the concept of how disrespectful and ignorant he was. I am all for his freedom of speech, I am not censoring him, but he did need to be shut down. The more he spoke, the more idiocy came out of his mouth. Part of my response was the photo below. We have come a long way, but there is so much more to do still. Stay strong. You are not alone!

NOW WATCHING:        "Younger"
NOW READING:             "The Furies" By John Jakes

...Relax. Take it Easy.

Monday, September 25, 2017


     ...I guess one of my 'ragrets' (as of right now) is not knowing how to explain this blog. Somewhere I read that as a blogger I should be able to sell my content in one or two sentences. I meant to come up with a quick description, or even a dang catch phrase! --But nothing. Just last week I was asked what my short story was about and I wasn't able to respond. How embarrassing was that!? A Story of pretty much three simple paragraphs! So yeah, today, at 7am, I am writing this short post to let you know that I am going to end my day once I can describe this blog. In order to know where I'm going, I need to know where I come from. 
That being said, let's continue with a couple more of my mistakes I've done in the past couple of months since I wrote on here.

You know (from past post) that I tend to sabotage myself, come up with excuses if you must, to get out of things to do. Over the summer I almost miss the Parachute show, and I am glad now that I did not. It opened up my eyes to the fact that I am not all fucked up. I can make it. One hour at the time. However, I haven't been successful lately. For example, I missed out on running into Mark Zuckerberg at Pride. If you know me, you must know I adore this man! He's smart, hardworking, creative, and he's using his platform for social justice/equality. I also missed out on meeting Shamus! And most importantly (not many people know this, but) I had to leave out a few things out from my wedding reception because I didn't ask for help and I procrastinated. And I hate myself for all of these three, mostly for the latest, but we live and we learn. We just gotta keep on moving.
So if there is anything we need to get from today's post is: consider your friends when you might need help. It's okay to ask for help. And live a little! Just when you're about to bail, give a little push and don't tap out. You might be in for a treat. After all I had fun the times I did get off my butt and went through with my plans. One foot right after the other. 

[ ...Relax. Take it Easy. ]

Now Watching: FELICITY.
Now Reading: PETER PAN.
Now Listening: Macklemore's "GEMINI" album.


Friday, July 14, 2017


Speaking to my psychologist, I realized (or maybe overthink, as always) that I don't know my spouse as well as he knows me. This feeling was not a good feeling. Then, speaking to Autumn, a coworker, I found out that all I need to do is LISTEN. I guess I complain too much which makes me blind to what my spouse (or anyone around me) might be saying. That night I came home and I apologized to my spouse. I told him how much he means in my life. I reassured him my love and my commitment to our marriage. He's been an amazing person, companion, pain in the butt, and more than anything, a loyal friend throughout these past six years. I just needed him to know that I love him. With this said, I encourage you to go home and tell your loved ones how you feel about them; I know it may feel weird, but it's a good 'weird' that strengthen your bond. More than anything, be appreciative of the people that surround you; especially the ones that have stuck around since high school. That friendship is priceless. Treasure it. How do you spot the good ones? Well, they text you to ask if you're doing well after a storm; they're make silly snaps with you; they attend and support the causes and events you're passionate about; they are a hot mess with you when you hang out together; and no matter how busy they all are, they always make time to share shots of tequila to celebrate each other's birthdays. 
"I found I needed people because I needed the love they could give me. I found that LOVE is something I did. I found that the way I showed people my need and love for them was to tell how it was with me in my deepest... And the more I had coming to me, the more I had to give away." (Jess Lair, Ph.D.) As Momma Ru says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else? I am a firm believer that we need to be the change we want to see in the world. People change their behavior when your attitude shifts gears to better shores. Take my word, take initiative towards positive perspective, and you'll see wonders happen around you.


On another note, I have been making progress as to putting myself out of my comfort zone. I know, they may seem small and dumb to you, but it is significant for me. A couple of months ago, I attended a show all by myself. As always, I sabotaged myself hoping to be late for the Meet & Greet, but I wasn't successful. I was able to speak to the guys of Parachute for a few seconds prior taking our picture, and I waited for a couple of hours on my own while Mitch came in (as he was at work till halfway the show). I spoke to my psychologist about this specific Event because it is amazing how much my anxiety takes over my will power. I have learned from this experience, and I believe I will do better at whatever show I go next (Phillip Phillips on 07/21/2017).  After all, the others and I are there because we have something in common! Right!? 
Parachute. The Getaway Tour.
The Waiting Room.
April 2017
The Slowdown
May 2017
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

And all I need to do is keep pushing on!

NOW READING:                                                                                 NOW LISTENING:

...Relax. Take it Easy.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

You and I are living in Parallel Realities...

...The past, the present, and the future: which one do you live in?

I have come to realize, or I have finally accepted, that my mind is always floating around the future -- what I want to become, how I want to be remembered, the things I want for my family-- which is healthy in a way. Envision is a powerful thing. However, we gotta stay grounded in the present and do something NOW to achieve those goals. But I skip that part... and I am left with the bitter taste of regret also known as the Past. Not a good feeling.

Procrastination is my #1 enemy. Everyone around me knows I'm always running late. It is not funny; it puts them in a bad mood, it's unprofessional, and more than anything, I only end up hurting myself. 

As you can see on the pictures above, I have been making lists for years. Encouragement notes to motivate myself. Pictures of celebrities and beautiful men to keep me engaged, but nothing! Ha. In a serious note, I have watched and listened to several vlogs and podcasts on productivity to help me find the best tool to help me get back on my grind because this 'writer's block' excuse is not longer cute, and they all agree on the fact that motivation is an illusion, a mind trick. It's all about DISCIPLINE. You must force yourself to do what you know must be done. In my case, as Paulo Coelho says, "I don' sit in my apartment thinking I WANT TO BE A SUCCESSFUL WRITER. People have to read my book," and in order for that to happen I have to have a book for people to read. I have to put the effort, the work, the hours. We cannot expect results based on wishful thinking only; we need to act on it. We have to have positive outlook in the result, but 90% of the process is the time we dedicate ourselves to our goals. 
Yes, daydream and put that energy into the world, your day, your tasks, but make sure you are also taking steps towards it. Once again, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

                                           Now Reading:    The Kent Family Chronicles.
                                           Now Watching:  13 Reasons Why.
                                           Now Listening:   Rebel Against Society, by Axcess.




...Relax. Take it Easy.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Voice Within


Feb. 28th, 2017
At Howlin' Hounds Coffee
I have been seeing a therapist for the past month or so. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Sometimes we need an extra hand to pull ourselves from the hole we may be in; there is nothing wrong with that. I have given this advice to many people around me, but I hadn't been able to grasp the concept and apply it to my own life. I guess it's easier said than done. Either way, I have been doing okay every session; I had come to come to terms with a few issues I've managed to avoid or take responsibility for even when I wasn't at fault. It is a process though. I know there is more to root out. I can tell because the voices have not stopped calling me names and laughing at me.
"You're a little bitch."
"Pathetic. You need to pay for someone to listen to your whining."
"And you think of yourself being a survivor?"
"Quit playing the victim. It doesn't look well on you."
"Sad. Just sad."

You know, the usual.

That's when you need to be as strong as you possibly can. Hang tight. Do not let go.
The voices have always been there and you've made it this far. They didn't stop you when you were screaming along, trying to drown them out. They won't stop you now. You have slapped Reality on the face over and over with every time you got back up. Don't give up now.
You've stopped running, haven't you noticed? You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. It is time to count your Blessings! You're still breathing. Isn't that what you yearned for? If not, well, that is what you got and it is okay. Take one deep breath, one step at the time, days by the minutes, and go for a walk. Inhale Life. Exhale desperation. It is not over yet.
You say you haven't found Life's purpose yet? Here is the truth to that: To Live.
That's it. Plain and simple. Don't go moping around. Life is about attitude and Hardwork. Don't let others tell you otherwise. You reap what you sow. Sooner or later, remember. Life will catch up, but you need to move forward. Once Life passes you by, it's gone. There is no turning around. No re-dos.
You've heard that infamous, 'You see your life flash before your eyes.' when you're dying. Well, that's what it's happening when you're not living. Life is passing you by, right in front of your eyes, leaving you behind. Is this what you want? Don’t stay there feeling sorry for yourself. Shake it off and (as Momma Ru wisely says) sissy that walk! Remember, in order to live, there are two key factors to keep at heart: to love and to laugh.
Take it from there, dear Adrian.

...Relax. Take it Easy.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Pocketful of Sunshine.


     Hey Omaha! I know, I am an awful blogger being away for so long! Honestly, I have been having a hard time fighting off my so-called "ugly days". Every day has been an anxious race from home to work and viceversa. I cannot wait to finish my eight hour shifts to drive off and hide under the covers in my couch. But I continue to push myself out of bed. I am not going to let the voices in my head win. I got this.

With that being said......

       A new year has begun! Actually, January is almost over, or halfway gone. Either way, I am happy to have closed 2016 in a good note. For the most part anyway. But I am here to look at the positive side of Life and keep on moving forward. There is so much more to prepare for!  But in the meantime I'll catch you up as to what I have been up to since last we talked.


It was December 1st in 2011 when Mitch and I moved in together. Five years later, I think it was time and meaningful to marry on the same date. It was a small ceremony at the courthouse with our parents and witnesses.  It was an amazing day to have our family and closest friends there to share this event, a beginning to a new phase of our lives. The support and love from these people mean the world to us, and we couldn't be happier and more lucky! We are shooting for a bigger celebration in June. Nothing fancy because we are not made of money, but I do want to share with every special person in our lives the moment when we exchange our own vows and seal our commitment with the infamous rings.

... and I have gained some back. It is a war against the mirror every day, but I take it one at the time. To be able to wear the clothes I wore four years ago brings such satisfaction! AND it saves me money because I won't have to buy new outfits, even if it's from Goodwill. $3.95 for an used shirt? No thank you! Ha.
weight loss, be yourself, come as you are,
weight loss, be yourself, come as you are,
weight loss, be yourself, come as you are,

                                                                              I have been with the same company for almost three years now, both morning and evening jobs. I get along with coworkers. We work together as a team. We have fun together as friends. We support each other as family. It's an amazing feeling and I wouldn't trade it for anything... well, maybe a better paid job, but in the meantime, I'll stick to this. I enjoy what I do and it works just fine while I get my head cleared up as what I want to do in Life and start doing it. Now.
                                                                           On both sides, we are grateful and proud to have our loved ones behind us. Not many get to say this, and I am blessed to be one of the fortunate to have it. There are not enough words to describe the feeling to know that God doesn't throw anything at you that you can't handle it. Whatever it is, it shape us to be the best we can. It is up to us to mold it.

Lady Gaga is back with a new album! I love every song; some more than others, of course. But I love it as a whole nonetheless. Great music. Great lyrics. Sincere. And as always, a new sound. She was the Super Bowl Halftime Show performance AND she performed with Metallica. What a great way to start the year, Mother Monster! Paws Up!
Ed Sheeran is back! After a couple of years of hiatus, my favorite Ginger dropped two singles! They have the "SING" feel and style, but the story being told is definitely Ed's. As no one else can do it. Here, check the videos for the songs! Typical Ed's sense of humor and story telling.
Axcess, local hip hop artist, has dropped Rebels Against Society EP this weekend! I don't even recall how I found him, but I do know that I was sucked in by the message and the path of his career. He has been featured in the Omaha World Herald August 2016 "Get To Know" article. Make sure to check out his SOUNDCLOUD, and support local homies --come out to shows, buy merchandise, and/or share with others.

As some of you may know, I am the oldest of my siblings. I grew up in the household of a single mother. I didn't have a male influence in my life which is not always a necessity, yet I think it wouldn't have hurt. Or maybe. Who knows! I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. So be it. I got to meet great dudes that left a positive mark while growing up. One of them is, then a nineteen-year-old, Rusty. Knowing that there was someone out there, technically a stranger, who seemed to care about me was a key factor in the perseverance and strength that got me through whatever situations Life threw at me during those years.
Now it's my time to pay it forward. I did some volunteering with a Leadership camp for high school students for a few years. Now I am part of Big Brothers Big Sisters of the Midlands, for almost a year actually, and I have been hanging out with my Little whom has taught me more than I thought I'd get out of this experience. As I have mentioned it to our Match Specialist, I walked in to their office hoping to get matched and be a friend to my Little, be there for him, and do as much as I can to help as much as I am allowed. But it's become more than that. I am also learning so much from him! A sharp, bright, funny, and full of energy eight year old that keeps me on my toes. From the Outings that we have had, I have re-encountered the child within that I thought I had lost; I've had fun and laughed, I have played outdoors for hours, I have spent an entire Sunday evening in Downtown full of people. I must confess some times I wanted to reschedule the Outing due to my anxiety, just thinking about it I panicked. Yet, I pushed myself; this is not about me, after all. By the end of the Outing, I always came back home happy and recharged with Life. My Little's positive vibe and personality always turned my frown upside down. Being around him strengthens me to step up and step out of my comfort zone even more. I just hope that while he (unknowingly) is helping me through this, he also is having fun and knows that I care and I'll be here for as long as he needs me to.
Small town fact: I was told that Rusty was a factor of me being accepted for the Match. Crazy thing is that I learned about Big Brothers because of Rusty, and I joined because of him. I haven't seen him in years, but his actions and words stay close to me every day.
I guess it's true that people don't remember what you do, but how you make them feel.

From last year, I am glad to say I made a couple new friendships that I hope they last and stay strong. I was the best man at one of my good friends that moved to Colorado; it was a great time seeing him happy with his now wife and daughter. Then, I met two other dudes totally opposite one from the other, but chill and stable; I've re-learned from them to stay focused on your dreams, to work hard for them, and to always be there for others. No matter what time it is, or if chilling means a bonfire or a movie night at home. Finally, I have the older friendships: the ones that have made it this far, tolerated my insanity, and I will do anything for. The ones that wouldn't think twice to pick up the phone and be there. Yes I am lucky.
And for this, and so much more, I am still living The Good Life.

Friends, Omaha, Lincoln, Nebraska, Huskers, Go Big Red, Friendship, Friends Forever, Colorado, Taco Johns, Craigslist, Gay Best Friend, Straight Best Friend, Best Man, Groomsman, Friends, Omaha, Lincoln, Nebraska, Huskers, Go Big Red, Friendship, Friends Forever, Colorado, Taco Johns, Craigslist, Gay Best Friend, Straight Best Friend, Best Man, Groomsman,

Friends, Omaha, Lincoln, Nebraska, Huskers, Go Big Red, Friendship, Friends Forever, Colorado, Taco Johns, Craigslist, Gay Best Friend, Straight Best Friend, Best Man, Groomsman, Friends, Omaha, Lincoln, Nebraska, Huskers, Go Big Red, Friendship, Friends Forever, Colorado, Taco Johns, Craigslist, Gay Best Friend, Straight Best Friend, Best Man, Groomsman,
...Relax. Take it Easy.